Ivy and Bean One Big Happy Family Read online

  “No!” said Kalia.

  “And then somebody yelled for an hour and a half,” added Jean the girl, squinting at Kalia, too.

  “Nono!” said Kalia.

  “And then somebody had a big poop,” said Jean the boy.

  “NO!” hollered Kalia. She staggered toward Bean with her goopy brown hands. “BEEBEE!”

  Bean waved and zipped away as fast as she could. She poked under bushes until she found some purple flowers and some pink flowers and some white flowers and some flowers that were so dead they were brown. When she brought them back to the flat field, Ivy used almost all of them to make a giant circle. The rest she handed to Bean.

  “Okay,” Ivy said. “I’ll stand in the middle of the circle with Zellaphine and do the begging, while you dance around the edge of the circle and toss flowers.”

  “Dance around the edge of the circle and toss flowers?” asked Bean. “Me? Why?”

  “Gods like it,” said Ivy firmly.

  “What are you going to be doing?”

  “I’m going to be chanting. Also throwing Zellaphine up in the air, so they get the right idea. With the gods, you have to be really clear.”

  Chanting and throwing Zellaphine around sounded better than dancing in a circle and tossing flowers. “Why can’t I do the chanting part?” asked Bean.

  “I’m the one who needs the sister,” said Ivy. “I have to do the chanting.” She stepped into the center of the circle and held Zellaphine up to the sky. “Ooooo!” she cried. Then she looked over her shoulder at Bean. “Dance!” she whispered.

  Bean hopped from one foot to the other. She felt dumb.

  “I seek your help because I’m getting spoiled down here!” yelled Ivy. She waved Zellaphine at the sky. “I need one of these! Only real!”

  Bean hopped from her second foot back to her first foot. She tossed a couple of flowers. The kids on the other side of the field stopped kicking balls to watch. Bean wished the gods would hurry up.

  “Yoooo-hooooo!” yelled Ivy. “Take this offering!” She threw Zellaphine into the sky. “And give me a sister!” She looked over her shoulder. “Dance harder.”

  Bean did a kick.

  The watching kids laughed.

  Bean scowled at them. Stupid gods, she thought. Stupid baby.

  Ivy closed her eyes and yelled, “I’m not even watching, gods, so don’t worry that I’ll see you!” Nothing happened. “Dance!” she hissed.

  Bean skipped. So did the watching kids. “If you need a few minutes to find one, I can wait!” Ivy called to the sky. “Oh gods!” She held out her arms, ready to catch a baby. “I’ll be right here! Ready when you are!” The watching kids held out their arms and staggered around.

  And suddenly Bean had a wonderful idea.

  MIRACLE IN MONKEY PARK

  Bean tore through Monkey Park and skidded to a halt in front of Jean and Jean. “Can I borrow Kalia?” she panted.

  “NO!” said Kalia.

  “Sure!” said Jean and Jean.

  “I’ll bring her back soon,” Bean promised. She took Kalia by the goopy hand. “Come on! This is going to be fun!”

  “Take your time!” called Jean the boy as Bean and Kalia took off. “Keep her as long as you want!”

  Bean soon learned that Kalia couldn’t run like a normal person. Her legs were too short, for one thing. For another, she couldn’t concentrate. She kept falling over. Finally, Bean was forced to pick her up. The goopy brown smears were even more disgusting close up. Also, she smelled. “You smell,” said Bean. “NO!” said Kalia. She hugged Bean.

  “Ew,” said Bean, but she didn’t have time to argue. She had to hurry.

  And she made it! Ivy was still begging with her eyes closed and her arms out. The watching kids had gotten bored. They had gone back to kicking balls.

  “Oh ye gods, save me!” Ivy chanted. “Give me a baby sister!” She wiggled her fingers to show that she was ready to catch a baby.

  Bean put her hand over Kalia’s smeary mouth and tiptoed into the circle just as Ivy finished up a long “Ooooooh gods!” Quickly, Bean rolled Kalia right into Ivy’s open arms. Ivy’s eyes flew open. “Yikes!” she squawked.

  “Holy moly cannoli, your prayers have been answered, Ivy!” cried Bean. “You’ve got yourself a fine baby sister!”

  “Wow.” Ivy stared at Kalia’s smeary face. “Isn’t this Kalia?”

  “BEEBEE!” hollered Kalia, twisting around to find Bean.

  “Nope. Not Kalia. This one dropped right out of the sky,” said Bean in an excited voice. “I saw the whole thing!”

  “NONONO!” wailed Kalia, reaching for Bean.

  Ivy looked doubtfully at Bean. Bean opened her eyes as wide as they would go. “It’s a miracle.”

  Ivy giggled. Then she gave Kalia a big hug and cried, “My darling sister!” She made a face. “Pew.”

  “NONO!” Kalia kicked her legs and slid down Ivy to get to the ground. Then she ran for Bean. “My BEEBEE!”

  “Sorry, Charlie,” said Bean, turning her around. “Go to sister.”

  “No! BeeBee.” Kalia stuffed some of Bean’s pants into her mouth.

  “Here, sister!” called Ivy. “I have a doll for you.” She picked Zellaphine up off the ground and waved her at Kalia. “Dolly, dolly!”

  Kalia looked at Zellaphine for a moment. Then she snatched the doll and hit Ivy with it. “NO!”

  “Ow,” said Ivy, rubbing her leg where Zellaphine hit it.

  “This is what it’s like,” said Bean. “I tried to warn you.”

  Ivy shook her head. “I think the gods must have been trying to get rid of this one.”

  “Beggars can’t be choosers,” said Bean. “You’ll be unspoiled in a jiffy.”

  Ivy looked at Kalia. “What exactly do you do with babies?”

  Bean didn’t really know what people did with babies, but she said, “You rock them to sleep.”

  Ivy watched Kalia bang Zellaphine’s head in the dirt. “She doesn’t look very sleepy.”

  “That’s why you have to rock them,” said Bean.

  Ivy chased Kalia until she caught her.

  She had to hold her pretty tight so she couldn’t get away. Then she rocked. Rock, rock, rock.

  “NONONONONONO!!!!” screamed Kalia. “MAMAMAMAMAMAM!”

  Rock, rock, rock.

  “MAMAMAMAMAM!!”

  “Are you sure this is normal?” Ivy said, rocking.

  “Totally normal,” said Bean.

  Kalia hit Ivy on the ear. “MAMAMAM!”

  Ivy stopped rocking. “Hark!” she cried. “She’s calling for her goddess-mother to come and get her.”

  “Nah,” said Bean. “She’s saying, Gosh, I love my new sister.”

  “No, she wants to go home,” said Ivy. She put her hand to her ear. “And hark, I hear the voice of her goddess-mother, calling for her child.”

  “I don’t hear anything,” said Bean.

  “She’s saying, ‘My baby, my baby!’” Ivy said. “If we offend the gods, we will be punished.”

  “Not me,” said Bean. “I’m just sitting here.”

  Ivy sighed deeply. “Both of us. It is dangerous to anger the goddess.” She looked lovingly at Kalia. “I must return you, darling sister, though it saddens my heart.”

  “MAM!”

  “Hi, honey!” It was Jean the girl, coming down the path.

  “See?” said Ivy. She opened her arms. “Go! Return to your mother.”

  Kalia burst out of Ivy’s arms and ran like crazy. “MAMAMAMAMAM!”

  “She returns to the gods,” said Ivy. She looked sideways at Bean.

  “There you are, bunny!” said Jean, scooping Kalia up. “Thanks for watching her, Bean!” she called. “And you too, Ivy!”

  Ivy bowed. “The goddess speaks,” she whispered.

  “Anytime you girls want to borrow her again, you just let me know!” Jean cried.

  Bean tried to look like she thought that was a good idea. “We sure will!”

/>   “Not a chance,” Ivy whispered.

  NOT TOO BIG, NOT TOO LITTLE

  Ivy and Bean walked slowly back to Pancake Court. Finally, Ivy spoke. “You’re right about baby sisters. They’re terrible.”

  “Big sisters are worse,” said Bean.

  “If big ones are bad and little ones are bad, that doesn’t leave much.”

  “There’s twins,” Bean said. “I always wished I was a twin. Think how cool it would be, like having a friend in your house. It would be like you and me, only sisters.”

  Ivy nodded. “But you can’t get a twin. You have to be born that way.”

  “Wouldn’t it be great?” said Bean dreamily. “You could gang up on your older sister.”

  Ivy frowned. “I don’t have an older sister.”

  “But if you did, and you had a twin, you could gang up on her. You’d be able to play with her stuff. And for once in your life you might win an argument.” Bean thought some more. “Plus, it would be fun. If you and I were twins, we’d get to play all the time and every night would be like a sleepover.”

  “Except we wouldn’t be us,” said Ivy. “Because we wouldn’t have our parents.”

  Bean shrugged. “It wouldn’t matter! We’d have each other!”

  Ivy thought about that. “Yeah. But it’s too late. We’re not twins.”

  “Life isn’t fair,” said Bean gloomily.

  But that night, Bean had an amazing idea. It was an idea that would fix Ivy’s spoilment and life’s unfairness at the same time. It was an idea that would make everything better. Plus it was an idea that didn’t need gods or electricity or magic to work. All it needed was nature.

  Here’s how Bean’s idea went: Kids grow. Everyone knows that. All the time, they’re growing and growing. They get taller. Their feet get bigger. Even their heads grow, which is weird but true. What’s covering all these growing parts? Skin, that’s what! And what does that mean about skin? It’s growing, too! All the time!

  So, let’s say you wanted to be a twin. Let’s say you wanted to be a twin with your friend. All you would have to do is tie yourself to her with string and wait. After a while, your skins would grow together, and you would become twins.

  Easy-peasy!

  Bean wanted to go over to Ivy’s house right that minute, to tell her the amazing idea. Bean’s mom said Absolutely not and It’s 10 P.M. and Why aren’t you asleep?

  “Okay, okay,” grumped Bean, as she thumped back to her room. “But don’t be surprised when you have to buy more food. And maybe a bigger bed, too.”

  Her mom looked confused. “What?”

  “You’ll see!”

  “It’s nature,” explained Bean the next day, as she looped string around her arm and Ivy’s. “Nature always works. We’ll be twins! Ha! Nancy’s going to freak!”

  “And we won’t just be regular twins,” Ivy said. “We’ll be the joined kind, which is the coolest. Tie that knot tight.”

  Originally, Bean had wanted to tape their heads together, so they’d be joined at the head, but Ivy had pointed out that they’d have to bend sideways for the rest of their lives. Plus, they’d have tape in their hair. Joined arms would be way easier. Bean had to admit this was true.

  Bean tied the last knot. “Okay!” she said. “That should do it.” She leaned back against the wall of her puny plastic playhouse, and Ivy leaned with her (she had to). “We’ll be the three-arm twins!” After a moment, she said, “I can kind of feel our skin growing together.”

  “Me too,” said Ivy.

  “How long do you think it’ll take?”

  “A month, maybe,” said Ivy.

  “A month!” yelped Bean. “That’s a long time!”

  “But in the end, we’ll be joined forever,” Ivy said. “Forever!”

  “And then we’re going to rule the world!” said Bean. “Ha!”

  “You keep saying Ha,” Ivy said.

  “Let’s go show people!” Bean was too excited to sit still.

  “People?” Ivy said. “I’m reading this really great book—”

  “You can read later,” said Bean. “Maybe.”

  It was pretty hard for them to squeeze through the tiny door of Bean’s playhouse, but finally Bean figured out that if she crawled backward and Ivy crawled forward, they could make it out. Still, their heads clonked together.

  Nancy was sitting on her yoga mat on the other side of the lawn. One of her legs was crossed over the other and her head was turned the opposite way. “Don’t talk,” she said. “I’m doing yoga.”

  “Now you’ve taken over the backyard too?” said Bean. “That’s not fair!” Ooh, she could hardly wait until she and Ivy grew together! Nancy wouldn’t know what hit her! Bean couldn’t help saying in a mysterious voice, “Pretty soon, things are going to be different around here.”

  “Stop talking,” said Nancy.

  “I’m not talking to you,” said Bean. “Even though your life is about to change forever and you probably won’t like it.”

  Nancy crossed her legs in the other direction.

  “Does the word ‘twin’ strike fear in your heart?” asked Bean.

  “No,” Nancy said. She opened her eyes and looked at Bean and Ivy. “Oh, good. You’re stuck together. Does this mean you’re going to move in with Ivy?”

  “No!” said Bean. “Ivy’s going to move in with me! So ha!”

  Ivy frowned. “I thought we were going to switch off,” she said.

  Bean looked at her in surprise. “The plan was to move to my house.”

  Ivy shook her head. “You didn’t say that before. You said it didn’t matter.”

  Nancy made praying hands and lifted her face to the sky. “You two are only going to be half as annoying with one arm each.”

  Bean looked at Nancy. Then she looked at her tied-up arm. “Let’s get out of here,” she said to Ivy.

  A KNOTTY PROBLEM

  For a while, Ivy and Bean sat in Bean’s driveway. Then Bean said, “Let’s go show our arm to Dino.” Maybe it would strike fear in his heart.

  But it didn’t, because Dino wasn’t home. Dino’s mom answered the doorbell. She had one pair of glasses on her head and one on her eyes. “What happened to you two?” she asked, squinting at their tied-up arm.

  Bean always thought it was better not to tell grown-ups exactly what was going on, but Ivy answered right away. “We’re making ourselves into twins by growing our skin together.”

  Dino’s mom took the pair of glasses on her head and put them over the glasses on her eyes to take a closer look. “What a good idea. Whose house are you going to live in once you’re done?”

  “Mine,” said Bean.

  “We’re going to switch off,” said Ivy.

  Bean wished Ivy would stop saying that. She liked her own house. That’s where her mom and dad were. Unfortunately, Nancy was there, too. But still. All her stuff was there. She decided to change the subject. “Where’s Dino?” she asked.

  “He’s over at Sophie W.’s, playing bannis,” said Dino’s mom.

  Bannis! Bannis was a famous Pancake Court game. It was baseball played with a tennis ball. Dino and Bean and Liana had thought it up after Liana broke a window with a softball. You almost never broke a window in bannis, partly because tennis balls were soft and partly because in bannis, the bat was a bamboo stick. You hardly ever hit the ball, and if you did, the stick usually broke. Bean loved bannis. She loved whacking the tennis ball as hard as she could and then throwing the broken stick on the ground. Sometimes she spit in the dirt, too, just for good measure.

  But now she was a twin.

  You couldn’t play bannis with one arm tied to another person. Especially if that person was Ivy. Ivy couldn’t hit things with sticks. Ivy didn’t even like hitting things with sticks. Ivy liked reading books.

  Bean imagined herself, sitting in a chair with Ivy while she read a book, for an hour.

  She imagined Ivy’s mom kissing her goodnight.

  She imagined never, ever pla
ying bannis again.

  Yikes! Her life wasn’t getting better. It was getting worse. Bean and Ivy said goodbye to Dino’s mom and went to sit on the grass.

  “So this is being a twin,” said Bean.

  They were both quiet for a long time.

  BLOOP, BLOOP, BLOOP

  “You know,” said Ivy at last, “I don’t think we should do this.” She wiggled their arm.

  “What? How come?” asked Bean. She tried to sound disappointed.

  “It’s mean to our parents,” explained Ivy. “If it works, they’ll be really sad when we’re at the other person’s house. Especially my mom. At least your parents have Nancy.”

  “But that’s Nancy,” said Bean. “My parents would miss me a lot.”

  Ivy nodded. “We have to think of other people.”

  Bean nodded, too. “We have to be unselfish. Nancy would be way worse without me around.”

  “Even though it would be great for us,” said Ivy.

  Bean’s knot was so good they couldn’t untie it. They had to chew it. First Bean chewed, and then Ivy chewed. Finally, with one big chew, Bean bit through the string, and they each had two arms again.

  “Darn!” said Bean, waving her arm around. “No more twin!”

  “And I’m still spoiled,” said Ivy, waving her arm around.

  Bean stopped waving her arm. “You know, Ivy, if you were spoiled, you wouldn’t have thought of our parents. You would only have thought of yourself.”

  “Hmm.” Ivy thought about that.