The Best of Iggy Read online

  G. P. PUTNAM’S SONS

  An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, New York

  Text copyright © 2020 by Annie Barrows Illustrations copyright © 2020 by Sam Ricks

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  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Barrows, Annie, author. | Ricks, Sam, illustrator.

  Title: The best of Iggy / Annie Barrows; illustrated by Sam Ricks.

  Description: New York: G. P. Putnam’s Sons, [2020]

  Summary: Relates three times that nine-year-old Iggy got into trouble, two of which he does not regret and one for which he is very, very sorry.

  Identifiers: LCCN 2018055049 (print) | LCCN 2018058772 (ebook) ISBN 9781984813312 (ebook) | ISBN 9781984813305 (hardcover)

  Subjects: | CYAC: Behavior—Fiction.

  Classification: LCC PZ7.B27576 (ebook) | LCC PZ7.B27576 Bes 2020 (print) | DDC [Fic]—dc23

  LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018055049

  Ebook ISBN 9781984813305

  This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  Cover art © 2020 by Sam Ricks

  Cover design by Marikka Tamura

  Version_1

  For a certain person who shall be nameless, with congratulations on not burning down the garage.

  —A.B.

  To Mom and Dad, who survived a surprising number of Iggycidents.

  —S.R.

  CONTENTS

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  CHAPTER 1: THINGS WE WISH WE HADN’T DONE

  CHAPTER 2: THE WONDERFUL BOY (NOT IGGY)

  CHAPTER 3: EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES, PART ONE

  CHAPTER 4: THE SAME PANCAKE TWICE

  CHAPTER 5: A SHORT CHAPTER ABOUT A SHORT BUILDING

  CHAPTER 6: THE ROOF

  CHAPTER 7: WHAT THE PARENTS SAW

  CHAPTER 8: THE UNDEAD

  CHAPTER 9: WHERE IGGY WENT

  CHAPTER 10: EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES, PART TWO

  CHAPTER 11: PUTTZI

  CHAPTER 12: CLOUDS

  CHAPTER 13: THE NEW OLD DESKS

  CHAPTER 14: A LUNCH MEETING

  CHAPTER 15: BUNDLE UP

  CHAPTER 16: BAD, BAD, BAD

  CHAPTER 17: WHAT HAPPENED TO IGGY ONCE HE GOT HOME

  CHAPTER 18: THE END

  CHAPTER 19: EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES, PART THREE

  CHAPTER 20: THE REAL END

  About the Author and Illustrator

  CHAPTER 1

  THINGS WE WISH WE HADN’T DONE

  All of us do things we wish we hadn’t done. Sometimes, we say we wish we hadn’t done a thing, when what we really wish is that we hadn’t gotten in trouble for it. Other times, we wish we hadn’t done quite as much of the thing as we did. But once in a while, not very often, we wish we had not done the thing at all. We wish it could be erased. We wish we had never thought of it. We wish we could go back in time and not do it.

  But we can’t.

  Because we aren’t magic.

  This is not a book about magic.

  This is a book about a boy named Iggy. (You probably want to know why he was named Iggy, but I’m talking about something else right now.) Iggy is what’s called the hero of this book. Does that mean he’s polite and nice and plays the cello and reads for at least half an hour before bedtime?

  No.

  Iggy is the hero of this book because he’s the one who does the things in it. All the things he does (in this book) are bad. Every last one of them. It’s really a shame you have to hear about such bad things, nice children like you. You would never do these things.

  You say.

  Do you remember the beginning of this book? You should. It wasn’t very long ago. Just in case you are paying no attention at all, here is a list:

  THREE TYPES OF THINGS WE WISH WE HADN’T DONE

  Things we say we wish we hadn’t done, but actually just wish we hadn’t gotten in trouble for

  Things we wish we hadn’t done quite as much as we did

  Things we really, completely wish we hadn’t done

  You probably notice that this list goes from bad to worse. Number 1 is not so bad. We are a little sorry we did it, but still, it was fun. Number 2 is half bad. Maybe even less than half. It wasn’t ever a good idea, but it wouldn’t have been so bad if we hadn’t gone too far. We’re sorry about going too far. Number 3 is the worst. Completely bad. We feel awful when we think of it.

  We’re

  very

  very

  sorry.

  In this book, Iggy Frangi will do all three types of bad things. He will go through Numbers 1, 2, and 3. That’s what this book is about: bad things Iggy did. You will also learn about an important idea called extenuating circumstances, but not right now.

  Right now, I think it’s time you met Iggy. He’s in his room. He’s going to be in his room for quite a while. He’s going to get pretty bored. Some kids have computers or even TVs in their rooms, but not Iggy. Iggy’s parents believe in screen-free kids.

  Iggy has tried to explain that their lives would be better if they let him have a computer in his room, because then he’d be too busy to do anything bad. Their answer to this was too complicated to go into. Basically, they said, Forget it.

  But now—Iggy. Here he is.

  Yes, that’s him. He’s nine. He has brown hair.

  He is lying facedown on his old, hairy rug.

  He has to stay in his room until dinnertime. It’s two thirty in the afternoon. That means he has four hours to go.

  This is his punishment. Part of it, anyway. He is also getting no dessert for a week.

  Plus no allowance next month.

  Plus he has to write an apology letter. He is supposed to be writing it right now.

  Poor Iggy.

  Is he lying facedown on his rug, feeling bad about himself?

  No.

  Iggy is lying facedown on his rug, laughing.

  CHAPTER 2

  THE WONDERFUL BOY (NOT IGGY)

  Iggy Frangi is laughing. He can’t help it. He’s held it in for a long time. He almost laughed way back that morning, when Jeremy Greerson came through the front door with his mom. Why? Because the kid was wearing a scarf. A scarf!

  Of course, Iggy didn’t laugh. Laughing would have been rude. Also unfair, because probably, Jeremy didn’t want to wear a scarf. Probably, his mom made him.

  Moms make you do stuff.

  Iggy’s mom, for example, made him hang out with Jeremy, because she was friends with Jeremy’s mom. Why wasn’t she friends with the moms of guys Iggy liked? Those moms seemed fine to Iggy. But no, she had to be friends with Mrs. Greerson. And Mrs. Greerson had to have Jeremy. And both of them had to come over for brunch.

  At
the front door, Iggy’s older sister, Maribel, said, “Hi, Jeremy.”

  “Hi, Maribel,” said Jeremy.

  “Iggy?” said Iggy’s mom. This meant, Say hi to Jeremy.

  “Hi,” said Iggy.

  “Hi,” said Jeremy.

  “I like your scarf,” said Maribel.

  Iggy made a face.

  “I do,” she argued (with Iggy’s face, because he hadn’t said anything). “Jeremy’s got style.” Ever since she’d turned eleven, Maribel said things like this, about clothes. Iggy thought it was dumb.

  Iggy didn’t say it was dumb. Iggy said nothing. Nothing was nice, compared with the things he was thinking. But did Iggy get credit for being nice?

  No. His mom gave Iggy the fish-eye. “Why don’t you and Jeremy go play a game together while we get brunch on the table?”

  “’Kay. Whatcha want to play, Jeremy?”

  Jeremy shrugged. “Whatever.” Not the nicest answer, Iggy thought. But did Jeremy get the fish-eye from his mom?

  No. Jeremy’s mom said, “Jeremy’s got to eat like a horse this morning, because he has a recital this afternoon.”

  A recital. Of course. Because Jeremy Greerson played the cello. Jeremy Greerson was a reader. Jeremy Greerson had the best manners ever, said Iggy’s own grandmother. Everyone old thought Jeremy Greerson was the most wonderful boy in the world. Even some kids thought that. Girls, mostly. But still.

  The grown-ups went into the kitchen. Maribel went with them (that was new too). Iggy and Jeremy looked at each other.

  “Come on,” said Iggy.

  They walked toward the family room. When they got there, Jeremy looked around. “Where’s your computer?”

  Iggy did not feel like laughing at this point. “We don’t have one in here.”

  “Where is it? Aren’t we going to play a game? Do you have Megalopolis? I have IX, which is nine.”

  Iggy swallowed. “They don’t let me.”

  “What?”

  “They don’t let me play computer games.”

  They did, actually, let Iggy play computer games. One hour a day, which he was not going to waste on Jeremy Greerson.

  “Wow. Oka-a-a-y.” Jeremy looked at Iggy in a certain way. The certain way was this: with pity for Iggy’s sad, boring, dorky life and with joy for his own much better life. He had so much pity for Iggy that extra pity oozed out in his voice when he said, “What game do you want to play?”

  At that moment, Iggy felt bad.

  He felt even worse the next moment, when his little sister, Molly, came into the room. Molly was three. Everything about Molly was round: her face, her eyeballs, her curls, and her stomach. She yelled at people a lot. She cracked Iggy up. Except not at that moment, because what she did when she came into the room was look at Jeremy, point her finger at Jeremy, and say, to Jeremy, “I like that boy!”

  Jeremy laughed.

  “Read me a book, boy!” said Molly.

  Jeremy laughed again. “Okay.”

  Iggy couldn’t believe it. Molly got a book and sat down next to Jeremy on the couch. She dug her elbow into his leg so he couldn’t go away.

  “Read, boy!” she said, and he did.

  Those were things she did with Iggy, not with other people. Iggy sat down on the floor and pretended to do a puzzle.

  In this way, time went by until enough had passed for Iggy’s mom to call, “Brunch!”

  CHAPTER 3

  EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES, PART ONE

  This is a short chapter about a couple of long words. Extenuating circumstances are facts that make the things people do more understandable. They are pieces of information you need to know before you decide whether someone is good or bad. This idea is tricky, so here is an example:

  A guy walks into a store and steals a loaf of bread.

  A guy walks into a store and steals a loaf of bread because he hasn’t eaten anything in two days.

  Because he hasn’t eaten anything in two days is an extenuating circumstance. Do you think it’s less bad to steal the bread if you haven’t eaten in two days?

  I do.

  Keep this in mind when you read the next chapter and especially when you read chapter six.

  CHAPTER 4

  THE SAME PANCAKE TWICE

  Iggy felt better about Jeremy once he got to the table. He felt better about everything, because there was food. Tons of it, all things he liked, especially a giant pancake his mom only made on special occasions (which Iggy would not have called this).

  “This is fantastic, Laurel,” said Jeremy’s mom, munching on her piece of pancake. “Jeremy is loving this pancake.”

  “Thanks. It’s called a Dutch Baby,” said Iggy’s mom.

  Dutch Baby?

  Dutch Baby!

  Iggy started to laugh. His mouth was full. You know what happened. Pancake everywhere. (By the way, this is not the bad thing that Iggy’s going to do. This is not his fault in any way. Come on. Dutch Baby? It’s just funny.)

  But when he finally stopped laughing, everyone was looking at him like he was a worm and not just a worm, but a half-squashed, half-squirming worm.

  Even Molly, who was all the time yelling and spitting her food out, held up her napkin to make a wall around her plate. “That boy don’t do that,” she said, and pointed at Jeremy.

  “I think you can be excused, Ig,” said Iggy’s dad.

  Iggy looked at his plate. “But I’m not done.”

  (If only he had said “I’m sorry,” everything would have turned out differently. But once again, not saying it cannot be called bad.)

  “Oh yeah, you’re done, kid,” said his dad. “Outside.”

  “Iggy’s bad,” said Molly. (Incorrectly.)

  Did Iggy push back his chair, scrape the floor, grab a sausage with his fingers, and stomp away, yelling “Good! I hate brunch anyway!”

  No. He did not.

  He only did the sausage part.

  Out in his backyard, Iggy may have said “I hate brunch anyway!” and “Jeremy Greerson! What a [thing he was not supposed to say]!” Out in his backyard, Iggy may have kicked the picnic table. He may have turned red. He may have thrown a rock or two at the shed. He may have sat down with a thump and eaten his sausage and then wiped his greasy fingers on the chair. But so what?

  After a while, to keep himself from thinking about Jeremy Greerson eating the pancake, plus the sausages, the cheesy scrams, the tiny muffins, and the strawberries, Iggy took the net off the trampoline. Nets were for babies. Then Iggy lay down in the middle of the trampoline. He looked at the sky. He bounced a few times. If you keep yourself completely straight like a pencil and bounce, it’s kind of fun. Not for very long, though. He hadn’t even had a bite of his cheesy scrams.

  Iggy got off the trampoline, found his skateboard, put it on the trampoline, sat on it, and bounced. It was a little more fun but not much more fun than being a pencil and bouncing. To cheer himself up, Iggy sang a song about pee. He sang it and bounced on his skateboard on the trampoline.

  “What did you say?”

  Jeremy Greerson was standing on the back porch.

  Iggy knew that Jeremy Greerson would never sing a song about pee. Oh no, not him. He played the cello. He played the cello and had such nice manners, he was probably going to tell on Iggy.

  “[Thing about pee]!” sang Iggy.

  “I’d get killed if I sang that,” said Jeremy. (This was not true. Jeremy might get a Talking-To, possibly a Reflection Time, maybe a Natural Consequence, but none of those was even close to being killed.)

  “Oh yeah? My parents don’t mind,” said Iggy. (Also not true.) “They let me do what I want.” (Extremely not true.)

  Jeremy smiled his my-life-is-better-than-yours smile. “Like the computer?”

  “Well.” Iggy shrugged. “That, yeah, but they�
�re okay with everything else.”

  Jeremy nodded. There was a silence. “What’re you doing?” he asked.

  Iggy did not want to say “I’m bouncing on my skateboard on the trampoline.” That sounded stupid. Babyish. Pathetic. Instead, he said, “I’m pushing the trampoline next to the shed so I can skateboard off the roof and land on it.”

  Jeremy Greerson blinked. “That’s insane.”

  Iggy shrugged again. “It’s pretty fun.”

  “Let’s see you do it,” said Jeremy. What he meant was this: I don’t believe you.

  Iggy shrugged a third time. “Okay.”

  CHAPTER 5

  A SHORT CHAPTER ABOUT A SHORT BUILDING

  This won’t take long. I just need to say that the shed was short. Not nearly as tall as a house. The highest part of the roof was about eleven feet off the ground. If you can’t picture eleven feet, it’s about the height of two dads, one standing on the other’s shoulders. That’s how high the roof was. The roof was also not pointy. It wasn’t flat, but it wasn’t pointy either. It was a slope.

  Got it?

  Good.

  Let’s get back to business.

  CHAPTER 6

  THE ROOF

  Do I need to tell how Iggy got out the ladder, how he climbed up the ladder to the roof of the shed, how Jeremy climbed halfway up the ladder to pass Iggy his skateboard, how Iggy looked down from the roof of the shed and suddenly noticed that the trampoline was extremely small, and how he said to himself, This is really going to hurt. Do I?

  I think I can skip that part.